Even United Methodists
Need a Good Laugh

THEME SONGS FOR BIBLE CHARACTERS

Noah: “Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head”
Adam and Eve: “Strangers in Paradise”
Lazarus: “The Second Time Around”
Esther: “I Feel Pretty”
Job: “I’ve God a Right to Sing the Blues”
Moses: “The Wanderer”
Jezebel: “The Lady is a Tramp”
Samson: “Hair”
Salome: “I Could Have Danced All Night”
Daniel: “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”
Joshua: “Good Vibrations”
Peter: “I’m Sorry”
Esau: “Born To Be Wild”
Jeremiah: “Take This Job and Shove It”
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abendnego:
                 “Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: “When You Wish Upon a Star”
Jonah: “Got a Whale of a Tale”
Elijah: “Up, Up, and Away”
Methuselah: “Stayin Alive”
Nebuchadnezzar: “Crazy”

TV Commercials for God

A Fifth Grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God.  Here are some of the results:

BAYER ASPIRIN......   He works miracles.
A FORD......   He’s got a better idea
COKE.....    He’s the real thing.
HALLMARK CARDS.....    He cares enough to send His very best.
TIDE.....    He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
GENERAL ELECTRIC.....    He brings good things to life.
SEARS.....    He has everything.
ALKA-SELTZER.....    Try him, you’ll like Him.
SCOTCH TAPE.....    You can’t see him, but you know He’s there.
DELTA.....    He’s ready when you are.
ALLSTATE.....    You’re in good hands with Him.
VO-5 HAIR SPRAY.....    He holds  through all kinds of weather.
DIAL SOAP.....    Aren’t you glad you have Him.  Don’t you wish everybody did.
THE U. S. POST OFFICE.....    Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.

REDNECK CONGREGATION

You know your church is a RedneckChurch if...a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of.”

You know your church is a RedneckChurch if...the choir is known as the “OK” Chorale.”

You know your church is a RedneckChurch if...in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

You know your church is a Redneck church if... baptism is referred to as “branding.”

You know your church is a RedneckChurch if...high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

You know your church is a RedneckChurch if...    people think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You know your church is a RedneckChurch if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

You know your church is a RedneckChurch if... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob’s Barbecue.

You know your church is a RedneckChurch if ... the collection plates are really hub caps from a 56 Chevy.

You know your church is a RedneckChurch if... instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

You know your church is a RedneckChurch if... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

You know your church is a RedneckChurch if... the communion wine is Boone’s Farm “Tickled Pink.”

You know your church is a RedneckChurch if... “Thou shalt not covet” applies to hunting dogs, too.

You know your church is a RedneckChurch if ... the final words of the benediction are, “y’all come back now! Ya’ hear?”